Finding My Magic Again

Before I get into the HOW of finding my magic, I‘m going to give you the Reader’s Digest of how I lost it. In its true form, I’d be writing for weeks, but I just don’t have the energy to rehash all the lost and stolen moments.

Right before Covid hit, I started losing focus in my daily life. I wasn’t fully aware of the things happening around me and I didn’t recognize the symptoms for what they actually were. I didn’t know who was in my house on any given day, I didn’t eat, I had no appetite. I would sit in one of the chairs in my bedroom with the television going and have absolutely no idea what was playing. Reading didn’t hold my attention for longer than a minute and anyone who knows me, knows books are a part of my soul. I couldn’t remember the last time I showered or washed my hair, and just the thought of leaving the house was debilitating. Eventually, I figured out the depression I constantly battle had reared it’s ugly head again and I made an appointment with the doctor to get back on the antidepressants I fight against taking until I have no other option.

During the transition time the chemicals needed to balance in my mind and body Covid actually made its appearance, and everyone and everything I relied on to maintain my sanity was no longer an option. My family, my daughters and the granddaughters who lived with us at the time, my altar, my candles, my books, my crafts, the few friends I still had were all gone in an instant. And during the year long self isolation some more decisions were made that I honestly felt I had no say in the outcome of. Yes, I was included in the conversations, unfortunately I was being played by a very skilled narcissist (more on that in a different post).

From 2019 until 2024, I was on a strong dosage of antidepressants and I lived in a cloud. The world revolved all around me, but the details were foggy and unclear. Things I would have normally seen before they even happened went on all around me. Then in 2024 something happened and the clouds began to clear. I weaned myself off the antidepressants and went to therapy for almost 2 years. Turns out, I didn’t need drugs, I just needed to break away from the narcissist that had been controlling me.

Now, I’m antidepressant free and rebuilding my life one day at a time.

So, how am I finding my Magic?

First, I had to rebuild the relationship with my Deities I had so carelessly walked away from. Let me tell you here and now it is NOT easy to rebuild a relationship with the Goddesses that guide me. I’ve had to verbally and physically invite them back into my life, I set my altar, lit the candles and one by one, spoke my invitation and my desire to rededicate my life to them. And one by one they began speaking to me through my meditations. Persephone was the most wary because she didn’t understand why I had walked away from her.

I am more than thankful to Hecate, Persephone, The Morrigan, Nyx, Lilith, and Medusa for giving me the chance to once again. become the real daughter they had been guiding for so many years.

I spend time each day in meditation with the Goddess that has a message for me, and no matter what else is going on around me, my time with them is more important than anything else. My candles burn, the incense or Palo Santo burns as needed and the music is definitely of the Witchy genre.

I’m now living in Los Angeles and don’t have the outside space I’m used to having in either North Carolina or Texas, but I’m learning to adapt. I take my little dog, Lily out for walks in the neighborhood and listen to the crows and other birds talking to each other, I listen to the breeze blowing through the branches of the trees, I appreciate the flowers and plants.

We get in the Telluride and take mini day trips to Paso Robles to visit my guys son and his family, we get together with his family and friends for. Mother’s Day, Father’s Day and the 4th of July. We go to Disneyland … multiple times. And everyone knows how magical Disney can be.

We’ve driven said Telluride to Texas for my son’s youngest’s High School Graduation, and bask in the glow of family. I’ve flown all alone, by myself to North Carolina to spend a long weekend celebrating my middle child’s 50th birthday.

We also have two (or more) trips to Tucson planned in the fall for a wedding or two. I will be able to reunite with the one sister I share memories with and see the younger ones I met recently.

And in September there is a visit tentatively planned for my little sister and BFF Rae to come to California for a long weekend visit. I’m excited for this! She’s never seen the ocean, never been to the beach and felt the healing the sea holds. She needs this trip, not just so we can see each other, she needs healing and love and I know the best places here to help her with that.

The biggest and most obvious thing happening around me? There is NO yelling. No one telling me I’m crazy, or wrong, or didn’t see what I thought I saw. There is no one gaslighting me, no one lying to me, no one manipulating me. I have peace …. Finally.

All these things, ALL THESE THINGS! are the steps I’m taking to reclaim and take back my magic. It hasn’t been easy, it hasn’t been pretty. In fact, at times it’s been absolutely nasty and dirty and hard and a couple of times it’s been heartbreaking. But I’m once again following the steps laid down by the Goddesses that I abandoned, but who NEVER abandoned me.

And I am absolutely FINDING MY MAGICK AGAIN!